Nothing to do with Camping or Caravanning or West Sussex D.A but, while you're here, it's just.....
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A bit of fun |
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Read a Few Jokes or play a game while you're here last updated 18/11/02.
See what happens when it rains ....run your mouse over Black lion to ripple.
NEW Game: Play Tetris Use the arrow keys to control the falling pieces. >>Click Here<<
(close the next window down when you have finished playing the game)
(close the next window down when you have finished playing the game)
How about a quick game of Hangman
or how about noughts and crosses, click a sguare to start
*Camping Hints*
When using a public campsite, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to
stay
dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze and cough, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping:
Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear,
do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
SPEEDING
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's
license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw
the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun
in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the
man who owns this car and stuffed him in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Chief Inspector.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Chief Inspector approached the
driver to handle the tense situation:
Chief Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Chief Inspector: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Chief Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Chief Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Boot is opened; no body.
Chief Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
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ENGINEERING
TRANSLATIONS
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond.
Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's
less filling:
1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon
1000 aches:
1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers:
1 pound cake
1 million microphones:
1 megaphone
1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds:
Two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards:
1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks:
1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche
1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin
10 rations:
1 decoration
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FUNNY
DEFINITIONS:
Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that
she wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's
movie girlfriend.
Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.
Concert: A breath mint for inmates.
Consist: A growth on an inmate.
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.
Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his
or her pupils.
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
Demote: What de king put around de castle.
Despise: De persons who work for the CIA.
Detention: What causes de stress.
Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.
Dilate: When a person lives longer.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like
cattle.
Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.
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We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. -- Benjamin Franklin
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The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Unknown
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| I
wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way.
-Unknown
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"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their
heads with approval. With even greater emphasis he added,
"And if I had all the wine in the world
, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!"
The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then
finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
As he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and
announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn
#365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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What is a computer virus? ............. A terminal illness. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
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| "The
reason grandparents and grandchildren get along
so well is that they have a common enemy!"
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"There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers
exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even
more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which
states that this has already happened."
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| "A
common mistake people make when trying to design
something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." |
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"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second
or so, nothing continued to happen."
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"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong
and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a
thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually
turns out to be impossible to get at and repair."
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"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." ............Douglas Adams
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There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive
any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply
handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have
opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and
their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any
WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your
boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out for
a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you
receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the
document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If
you do not have anyone in your address book, then the
WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
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Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
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"Everything that can be invented, has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, 1899
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"If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella." - Unknown
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
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"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then
wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
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How to Bathe a Cat ??
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, THE DOG
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